Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.