Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
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BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.