*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”