{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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I think I’m having a stroke
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair