For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
❤️❤️❤️
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.