genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
one last job
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k