Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?