Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.