Before crowbars crows drank alone
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.