I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Mood.. 😂
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
not seeing the problem
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”