Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.