[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide