Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
See..?
.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??