Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house