Good day meowlady
* tips cat
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell