This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
no regrets
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you