[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
men, we mow at sunrise.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.