Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.