Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
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What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.