‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
me and the Superbowl rn
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*