Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Lol
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997