*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
marvel comics have peaked
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.