Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.