Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.