security at the airport getting more straightforward
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
bugs when you lift up a rock
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.