If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.