I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
*puts my mental health in rice
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
those birds must be on payroll
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second