Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!