Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
This is a whole mood;