me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Doggies just call it style.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?