I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.