Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.