Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
don’t be scared
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later