Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy