[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.