How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???