My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.