6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
it is time once again
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.