My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Growing up was a huge mistake
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
m’lady
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.