*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
me, after any kind of buffet.
My work here is done
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.