i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
somebody come look at this
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er