[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I feel attacked.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Who says great literature is dead?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*