Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Britain be like
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
OH. COME. ON.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?