[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
You Might Also Like
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
fly smarter, not harder
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.