Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
what are they serving at kfc then???
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.