It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Whoa 😂
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself