The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”