I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Sooo many times…..
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
uncle dave has been through hell
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist