I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
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Expect the unexporcupine.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin