BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.